The Owls Are Not What They Seem
by Midnightingale
Summary: A Labyrinth- Twin Peaks Crossover. Very Weird. Very Strange. Special Agents D.B. Cooper and P. Jefferies enter the labyrinth while working a case about missing babies. Insanity insues and they are faced with the menicing Goblin King Jareth. R for language
1. Default Chapter

((Disclaimer))  
  
I do not own "Labyrinth" or "Twin Peaks." I did not write this rather strange crossover for any monetary gain. If you are David Bowie, please don't sue me. If you are David Lynch, you're really going to like this. If you are George Lucas, the new Star Wars suck. If you are Brian Henson, dude you rule, I miss your pop. If you are the average reader, please see the authors note.  
  
((Authors Note))  
  
This is an extreamly weird" Labyrinth"/ "Twin Peaks" crossover. Agent Phillap Jefferies and Jareth are both David Bowie. So picture him while reading. That's why I wanted to do this story. Like I said this is going to be one strange trip. There's a bit of foul language so sensitive readers beware.... beware... beware. Please don't take this seriously, it's ment to be weird and funny. I'm not even sure how many of you will get the jokes. You'd have to see both "Twin Peaks" and "Labyrinth" to understand even half of what I've written here and I'm not entirely sure many people besides me have see both of them.I strongly suggest you rent "Twin Peaks; Fire Walk With Me" cos that's the bit Bowie's in, and not for very long. It's not usually the kind of crossover one generaly thinks of doing. Although Lady Blackmour did write a wonderful "Vampire Hunter D"/ "Lord of the Rings" crossover that was really swell and you should read it too. Here's the number 1027170. ((Shameless plug for my pal))  
  
Anyway Please Read and Review. Flames will be tolerated but ignored. If you want to e-mail me I can be reached at Midnightingale26@yahoo.com or my alternate e-mail TheKuroneko26@yahoo.com.  
  
To read what I've written so far please continue to the next page. You have been warned. 


	2. Part One Chapter One: The Special Agents

The Owls Are Not What They Seem  
  
(A "Labyrinth" "Twin Peaks" Cross Over)  
  
by Midnightingale  
  
Part One  
  
Chapter One; The Special Agents  
  
Drip, drip, drip, drip. The murky brown water plunged a seven foot fall from the ceiling into the half full plastic bucket with the steady drip reminiscent of a metronome. Special Agent Dale Bartholomew Cooper hunkered over the yellowed baby crib brushing a substance off the tiny mattress that appeared to be some form of glitter into a small plastic baggy. Yellow and blue makes green, bag and tag. He smiled the smile of a schoolboy and turned to his partner in crime, Special Agent Phillip Jefferies. Soft weeping could be heard in an adjoining room.   
  
"What did you find?" Cooper asked.  
  
"The lock on the windows busted, other than that no sign of forced entry. Weird thing is we're three floors up, and there's no fire escape."  
  
"But?"  
  
"But I did find this caught on the lock."   
  
Jefferies held up his own baggy with a single white downy feather.  
  
"That's new." Cooper smiled.  
  
"Yeah I know. But I don't figure how a birds got anything to do with kidnapping."  
  
"You can never tell. Better send it off to Albert and his team. We can see if he can tell us what kind of bird it is." Cooper tossed his bag full of glitter to Jefferies. "See if this is the same stuff we found at the others too."  
  
"I don't get it Coop. Last week Chicago, the week before New Orleans, two days before that Bolder, now here in up state New York. This guy really gets around. Who knows how many more we haven't investigated. All with the same MO; broken window, missing kid, glitter everywhere. Hell of a calling card."  
  
"You forgot about the book."  
  
"Yeah, that little book." Jefferies snapped his fingers several times to get his thoughts in order. 'The Labyrinth,' what was it about again? Goblin King snatching a baby and turning the rug rat into a sniveling goblin. This perv is messing with us Coop, and I don't like it one bit."  
  
"In the book the Goblin King could change into the from of a barn owl. I'm betting that's what Albert will find."  
  
"You've got to be kidding me Coop. You don't really think…"   
  
Cooper smiled his schoolboy smile again.  
  
"Shit Coop, you're too fucking weird for me sometimes."  
  
"Lets go talk the family and make sure their telling us everything."  
  
The two agents left the room and turned down the little hall to the living room where three people were sitting. Mother, Father, and daughter were sitting on a faded blue couch the two women were sobbing, and the man looked as if he ate one to many burritos from "Taco Bell" and had a bad case of the flaming butt water; such was the grimace on the fat man's face. Actually the young girl was the woman's stepdaughter. She was a petite sixteen year-old, with curly red hair. Her eyes were rimmed with red and dark bags circled the soft tissue under her lower lashes. Upon inspection the stepmother, the missing baby's real mother, was much worse. Her mascara had run down the length of her cheeks, and was smudged all around her eyes looking as if she went a few rounds in the ring with a professional boxer. She was sniveling uncontrollably and leaning in a daze upon her husband, who still looked morose. Cooper opened the conversation.  
  
"Mr. Steven's… Mrs. Steven's… Angela. I'm sorry to do this but we need to ask you a few more questions."  
  
They all nodded in unison. Jefferies took up where Cooper left off.  
  
"You two were out when the kidnapping took place. Am I correct?"  
  
Mr. and Mrs. Steven's nodded.  
  
"And Angela was home babysitting your baby girl." Jefferies continued.  
  
"That's right. We went to the movies with two of our friends. We go every Friday night." Mr. Stevens answered. Cooper, then turned to Angela, and smiled trying to make her feel better.   
  
"What do you remember about that night Angela? Just before Samantha disappeared?" Cooper asked.  
  
"Well… Sam was crying, and I was trying to put her down for the evening. I tried everything, bottles of juice and milk, a fresh diaper, and her pacifier. She just spit it right back out at me. So I tried to read her a story to calm her down, but I didn't get past the first couple of pages before I gave up and left the room to try to find something else… I think I was going to look for her teething ring in the freezer. Then she stopped crying all of a sudden. I… I got worried cause she got all quite, and I went back into the room, and the light was out. I… I had left the light on! It was so dark and I was sacred… I went over to the crib and she was gone! The window was open. I… I didn't see anybody. She was just gone. A second later the lights came back on. I ran into the living room to call 911, and I noticed the clock by the phone. It said midnight. When I put her down to sleep it was eight. I… I don't know what happened. I don't remember anything! It's all my fault!" The girl started crying and her father tried to comfort her. She just sobbed and whimpered.  
  
"It's okay baby. It's not your fault." He patted her back. She just kept crying. Cooper continued questioning her.  
  
"Where is the book you were reading to her?"  
  
"I…in the bed room."   
  
Jefferies went to find it. He came back with a little red book. The title scrawled in fancy black writing on the cover. It said "Labyrinth."   
  
"We're going to take this with us." Jefferies intoned as he placed it in a bag. Yellow and blue makes green, bag and tag "Labyrinth."  
  
The Special Agents asked a few more questions, but finished up in about fifteen minuets. They left the ratty apartment building by means of the stairs. The lift was broken. Across the parking lot to Coopers forest green blazer and they climbed in with Coop in the drivers seat talking to his tape recorder about the mornings proceedings. When he switched it off he turned to Jefferies as he was pulling out of the small driveway.  
  
"Have you ever noticed, Phil, that you park in a driveway, and drive in a parkway?"  
  
Jefferies just laughed.  
  
"You're one in a million Coop. Ever notice that?"  
  
"Several times."  
  
Jefferies laughed again.  
  
"Let's ship this stuff off to Albert, and see what he has to tell us." Jefferies said. 


	3. Chapter Two: The Novel

Chapter Two; The Novel  
  
Cooper was talking into the speakerphone with Jefferies standing behind him. The arrogantly whiny voice of forensic pathologist's answer to Buddha explained what the men had found at the Stevens' house. Albert Rosenfield, a strict Buddhist himself was the best at what he did, and the FBI's top forensic pathologist. He was a strange man, not on the same level of strangeness as Cooper, but weird nonetheless. He had a bad attitude problem and high self esteem which made for a bad combination, and a very cocky, arrogant man, with a smart retort for everything, and an even worse attitude for local law enforcement. He was at the beginning of summarizing Jefferies, and Cooper's find at the Stevens house.  
  
"Okay boys, listen up. Once again that glitter isn't of the common house hold variety. It's really finely ground crystals, some precious, some not so. Everything from rhinestones to rubies, boys. It looks ground up but definitely not by hand. It's got the same effect as sand. Wore down by time, not jewelers scrap. That feather Jefferies found is from a Tyto Álba. That's a Common Barn Owl, boys. Common because they're all over North America. It's a light colored owl with long legs and a heart shaped face. It's strictly nocturnal, and hunts rats and mice. Not big enough to carry off a baby."  
  
"I knew it." Coop said as he smiled. "It all goes back to that book."  
  
Jefferies snorted in Coopers general direction, and spoke to the phone.  
  
"Is that all you got for us Albert?"  
  
"Yep boys sorry I didn't have more to go on. You guys track down this baby snatcher you here."  
  
"We got ya Albert." Jefferies answered.  
  
The phone clicked off and Cooper pushed the button to hang up his end.  
  
"What now?" Jefferies asked Cooper.  
  
"We read the book."  
  
"We've already read it Dale. Five times looking for clues."  
  
"Not aloud. Remember what Angela said. She said she was reading Samantha a story to try and calm her down, and then all hell broke loose."  
  
"Not more of your hocus pocus Dale."  
  
"She was missing time Phillip. All of them were. And it all happened after they either read or quoted the story. I say we give it a try."  
  
"You can read it if you want, Coop. I know you're going to anyway."  
  
Cooper fished out one of the copies of "The Labyrinth" that they had collected from one of the many kidnapping crime scenes.  
  
"Are you ready?"  
  
"Ready as I'll ever be."  
  
Cooper began.  
  
"Through danger untold and hardships unnumbered. I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City, to take back the child that you have stolen. For my will is as strong as yours and my kingdom is great…" Cooper read the first chapter. It was about a girl Sarah who was feed up with caring for her half brother, and living in a dream world. Her stepmother fit into the classic role of wicked stepmother and forced her to stay home with the baby while she and her husband went out. Sarah couldn't get the baby boy to calm down and sleep so she began to make up a story. Cooper read on. "Sarah pulled Toby's red and white striped hat upon her head and sneered into the mirror, playing the role of a goblin. 'Say your right words.' the goblin said. 'And we'll take the baby to the Goblin City, and you will be free. But the girl knew that the king of the goblins would keep the baby forever and ever and turn it into a goblin. And so, the girl suffered in silence, until one night when she was tired from a day of house work, and hurt by the harsh words of her stepmother, and she could no longer stand it.' Sarah held the baby boy repeating, 'No I mustn't… I mustn't say… I wish…. I wish.' Then, she raised him high above her head and called, 'I can bare no longer. Goblin King, Goblin King wherever you may be! Come take this child of mine far away from me!'"  
  
Cooper paused, and Jefferies and he exchanged glances, outside a rainstorm was brewing ready to spit forth lighting and hail at any moment's notice.  
  
"Well don't just sit there Coop, keep reading."   
  
Cooper continued the tale.  
  
"It didn't work and Sarah placed Toby back in his crib still wailing, and covered him up with a blanket. 'I wish I did know what to say to make the goblins come and take you away.' She said as she crossed the room to the door. As she switched off the light she said. 'I wish goblins would come and take you away. Right Now!'"   
  
Cooper stopped reading. The lights in their hotel room had just gone out.   
  
"Probably the storm." Jefferies said a little shaken up.  
  
It wasn't the storm at all. Suddenly, they both heard a thumping noise at the window. Cooper went over and pulled the blinds. A Barn Owl was thrashing it's self against the glass. The glass smashed and a cloud of the jewel dust filled the room. The owl flew around the room before disappearing. In its place stood the imposing figure of the Goblin King, arms crossed and smiling with his head slightly cocked in curiosity. Cooper smiled and whispered to the dumbstruck Jefferies.  
  
"I think we've just cracked the case."  
  
"No shit." Jefferies responded.  
  
The figure spoke up.  
  
"Well, well, well. Now what do we have here?"  
  
"FBI shitbird. Care to tell us where the kiddies are? Or do I have to shoot you?" Jefferies said as he pulled his pistol. The man laughed.  
  
"That thing will have no effect on me. I'm not even really here. Now I don't see any children so why don't you two explain what I'm doing here."   
  
"We want the babies shitbird." Jefferies intoned not lowering his gun.  
  
"My name, gentlemen, in Jareth. Not… shitbird." He said with an evil grin. "And you can't have them. You didn't wish them away."  
  
"Is that how it works? A person wishes away their siblings and you snatch them up?" Cooper asked calmly.  
  
"It is." Jareth answered.  
  
"What do we have to do to get them back?" Cooper asked.  
  
"Are you betting men?" Jareth asked in return.  
  
"Yes." Jefferies said still with the king in his sights.  
  
"Then you have to solve that." Jareth said pointing out the window. What used to be a parking lot had transformed into a gigantic maze colored in browns and sandy golden hues. "But I really shouldn't let you. They weren't your responsibility, and you didn't wish them away. But I'm bored and you too look like fun. I guess I could bend the rules on this one. I'm interested to see how grown men will fair against the perils of my labyrinth"  
  
"Wow." Cooper said amazed. "It's big."  
  
"And certain death awaits you round every corner." Jareth said dramatically. "I usually soften it up for the kids who try and beat it. I always make sure they aren't in any serious danger. They never remember a thing after loosing. And no one has ever won. The story is false, but it helps me do my job. But you two aren't children, so I'm upping the stakes and lowering the time limit. Death, gentlemen awaits you. Such a pity… You have seven hours in which to solve my labyrinth and reach my castle in the center. If you loose, which you inevitably will, and are still alive at the end of seven hours you may return back to your pathetic lives. Without the children."  
  
"And if we win?" Jefferies asked.  
  
"And… if… you win, I will give you the children from you case files. Simple." Jareth laughed a haunting laugh and disappeared. His voice could be heard echoing in the air.  
  
"Such a pity…Such a pity." 


	4. Part Two Chapter Three: FBI in the Labyr...

Part Two  
  
Chapter Three; FBI in the Labyrinth   
  
  
  
Cooper walked behind a frighteningly freaked out Agent Phillip Jefferies. Phillip was fast loosing it and kept muttering with his gun clenched in white knuckles as they walked down the hill towards the labyrinth.  
  
"Fucking bastard… What the fuck is this goddamned place…? Fucking maze… Ain't nothing like the fucking corn mazes back in Nebraska… What did he call himself again Coop?"  
  
"The Goblin King, Jareth."  
  
"Fucking Jareth… What the hell kind of name is Jareth?"  
  
"Actually, Phil, it means, one born of royal blood, but with flaws or problems of the genitalia."  
  
Jefferies laughed a crazy laugh.  
  
"Serves the fucking bastard right… You're a fucking know it all Coop." Jefferies said between hysterical giggles.  
  
While conversing, the two had approached the large door that presumably led into the maze. Upon inspection they discovered no doorknob. ((Ah doorknob… my favorite word))  
  
"Well how the hell are we supposed to get in?" Jefferies asked the door. Cooper taped him on the shoulder and pointed.  
  
"Maybe he knows."  
  
Over in the corner of a very dead garden a dwarf was pruning very dead rose bushes with a rusted pair of hedge-shears. And much like Jefferies was muttering obscenities under his breath. Jefferies strode over.  
  
"Hey, Bilbo, you know how to get into this here maze?"  
  
The dwarf freaked, and started muttering something incoherent. Jefferies was wondering if it was dwarf mumbo-jumbo until the ever calm Cooper answered him.  
  
"No, we just want to know how to get into the labyrinth." Cooper turned to Jefferies and spoke then, with his school boy grin. "He thinks you're the Goblin King."  
  
"That's a riot. Tell him I grew up in Nebraska with an English pop, a redneck mom, and I've never adducted any babies."  
  
"Gaw… Well why didn'a ya say so. M' names Hoggle. I'm th' gardener, an Jareth's personal pest control."  
  
"And a smashing good job of gardening you have here Bilbo. Now how do we get into the labyrinth?"  
  
"Is you sure you're not the Goblin King… Ya's look an awful lot like 'em."  
  
"Quite sure… Now how do we get in."  
  
"Well… ya gets in there." As Hoggle pointed to the gigantic doors they opened on hidden hinges.  
  
"Well thank you Bilbo." Jefferies intoned as he started for the doors. Cooper followed him. They entered and looked in two different directions. All they saw was an apparently never-ending corridor that led left to right. Hoggle waddled in behind them.  
  
"Cozy ain't it?" He asked.  
  
"Hmm." Jefferies answered.  
  
"Now would you's go left or right?"  
  
"They both look the same." Jefferies answered.  
  
"Shows what you know… You two won't make it very far if ya keep thinkin like that."  
  
"Which way would you go?" Cooper asked.  
  
"Me… Well I wouldn't go any way. I gots m' brain in the right place."  
  
"Just tell us which way to go Bilbo or I swear I'll rip you end to end." Jefferies threatened.   
  
"M' names not Bilbo it's HOGGEL! An what do I's look like a hired guide… I ain't goin in there… You sure you's not the King?"  
  
Phil clenched his fist and shook it at the dwarf.  
  
"Why I outta…"  
  
"Now, now Phil. We have work to do." Coop reminded him.  
  
"Yeah you're right Coop… I just hope he's not the same dwarf you kept seeing during the Palmer case."   
  
"He's not the dwarf from the Palmer case. The dwarf from that case had a rounder head and a red suit."  
  
"You're fucking weird Coop you know that?"  
  
"You keep saying that Phil." Dale began looking around. "But it seems we're in a pretty weird place."  
  
"Come on let's get going. We only have seven hours"  
  
Together they started walking the corridor. They didn't get very far before they heard a tiny voice.  
  
"Ello…"  
  
Jefferies looked around twisting in circles. Cooper simply squatted down and began studying the wall. Jefferies looked at him.  
  
"What are you doing Coop?" Phil asked.  
  
"Look at this." Cooper pointed to a little blue worm.  
  
"Eww… What is it?"  
  
"Who me?" The worm asked. "I'm just a worm."  
  
"Dale, tell me it didn't just talk. Please tell me it didn't just talk"   
  
"Okay, it didn't just talk."  
  
"Oh fucking shit Coop… the worm just talked." Jefferies pulled his gun and pointed it at the worm. "Should I shoot it?"  
  
"No. It's just a worm."  
  
"Tha's right… I'm just a worm. Would ya like ta come in and meet th' Misses?"   
  
"No thank you." Cooper said. "You wouldn't by any chance know how to get into the main part of the labyrinth would you?"  
  
"W sure… you jus got ta walk through th' wall over there." The little worm said.  
  
"Walk through the wall he says… Coooooop tell me I'm loosing my mind." Jefferies pulled his hand to his head and pressed the side of the gun to his forehead. It's muzzle pointing to the slightly orange sky.  
  
Cooper didn't tell Phillip that he was loosing his mind. Instead he walked over to the wall and disappeared. A second later his head popped around the corner and said,  
  
"You coming Phil?"  
  
Phillip Jefferies unwillingly followed. The entire spectacle of the labyrinth opened up before them, and Jefferies couldn't help but gasp.   
  
"My god… Where do we begin?"  
  
"Were every good story begins, at the beginning." 


End file.
